Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
B.F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behaviour will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behaviour.
By criticising, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion. Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great. Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is ‘the desire to be important.’ William James said: ‘The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.’ It is this desire that lures many boys and girls into joining gangs and engaging in criminal activities. When a study was made a few years ago on runaway wives, what do you think was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away? It was ‘lack of appreciation.’ And I’d bet that a similar study made of runaway husbands would come out the same way. We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them.
flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned. ‘Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.’
if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.
‘Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.’
Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: ‘How can I make this person want to do it?’
‘If there is any one secret of success,’ said Henry Ford, ‘it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.’
‘self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.’ Why can’t we adapt this same psychology to business dealings? When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. Remember: ‘First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.’
- FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
- SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
What Life Should Mean to You. In that book he says: ‘It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.
Whenever I went into this store I would always talk to the soda clerk and sales clerk for a few minutes before talking to the owner to obtain his order .
all of us like people who admire us .
If we want to make friends , let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm .
Become genuinely interested in other people .
Smile: Actions speak louder than words , and a smile says , ‘ I like you . You make me happy . I am glad to see you . ’ A baby’s smile has the same effect . An insincere grin ? No . That doesn’t fool anybody . We know it is mechanical and we resent it . ‘ People who smile , ’ he said , ‘ tend to manage , teach and sell more effectively , and to raise happier children . Telephone companies throughout the United States have a programme called ‘ phone power ’ which is offered to employees who use the telephone for selling their services or products . In this programme they suggest that you smile when talking on the phone . Your ‘ smile ’ comes through in your voice .
You don’t feel like smiling ? Then what ? Two things . First , force yourself to smile . If you are alone , force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing . Act as if you were already happy , and that will tend to make you happy . ‘ Action seems to follow feeling , but really action and feeling go together ; and by regulating the action , which is under the more direct control of the will , we can indirectly regulate the feeling , by controlling your thoughts . Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions . It depends on inner conditions . It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy . It is what you think about it . For example , two people may be in the same place , doing the same thing ; both may have about an equal amount of money and prestige – and yet one may be miserable and the other happy . Why ? Because of a different mental attitude .
‘ I have also eliminated criticism from my system . I give appreciation and praise now instead of condemnation . I have stopped talking about what I want . I am now trying to see the other person’s viewpoint . And these things have literally revolutionised my life . I am a totally different man , a happier man , a richer man , richer in friendships and happiness
The name sets the individual apart ; it makes him or her unique among all others . repeat the name several times , and tried to associate it in his mind with the person’s features , expression and general appearance .
listened intently . I had listened because I was genuinely interested . And he felt it . Naturally that pleased him . That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone . ‘ There is no mystery about successful business intercourse . . . Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important .
People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves .
Be a good listener . Encourage others to talk about themselves .
Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties .
Always make the other person feel important .
“ What is there about him that I can honestly admire ? ” ’ That is sometimes a hard question to answer , especially with strangers ;
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return – if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples , we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve .
‘ The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated . ’ As I have already pointed out , it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals .
3. HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKIN
1. Argument: Why prove to a man he is wrong ? Is that going to make him like you ?
If you argue and rankle and contradict , you may achieve a victory sometimes ; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will .
as soon as his importance was admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted to expand his ego , he became a sympathetic and kindly human being .
‘ Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love , ’
When one yells , the other should listen. because when two people yell , there is no communication , just noise
If you can be sure of being right only 55 percent of the time , you can go down to Wall Street and make a million dollars a day .
If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong – yes , even that you know is wrong – isn’t it better to begin by saying : ‘ Well , now , look . I thought otherwise but I may be wrong . I frequently am . And if I am wrong , I want to be put right . Let’s examine the facts . ’
2. Never say , ‘ You’re wrong . ’
Our first reaction to most of the statements ( which we hear from other people ) is an evaluation or judgment , rather than an understanding of it . When someone expresses some feeling , attitude or belief , our tendency is almost immediately to feel ‘ that’s right , ’ or ‘ that’s stupid , ’ ‘ that’s abnormal , ’ ‘ that’s unreasonable , ’ ‘ that’s incorrect , ’ ‘ that’s not nice . ’ Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person . 1
If you are going to prove anything , don’t let anybody know it .
‘ By fighting you never get enough , but by yielding you get more than you expected . ’
“ Let us sit down and take counsel together , and , if we differ from each other , understand why it is that we differ , just what the points at issue are , ” we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all , that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many , and that if we only have the patience and the candour and the desire to get together , we will get together . ’
people don’t want to change their minds . They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me . But they may possibly be led to , if we are gentle and friendly , ever so gentle and ever so friendly .
if you would win a man to your cause , first convince him that you are his sincere friend .
The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind ; and kindliness , the friendly approach and 4. appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world .
5. Get the other person saying ‘ yes ,
IN TALKING WITH people , don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ . Begin by emphasising – and keep on emphasising – the things on which you agree .
Get the other person saying ‘ Yes , yes ’ at the outset .
When you have said ‘ No , ’ all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself . You may later feel that the ‘ No ’ was ill – advised ;
When a person says ‘ No ’ and really means it , he or she is doing far more than saying a word of two letters . The entire organism – glandular , nervous , muscular – gathers itself together into a condition of rejection .
it takes the wisdom and the patience of angels to transform that bristling negative into an affirmative .
it doesn’t pay to argue , that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying “ yes , yes . ” ’
the ‘ Socratic method , ’ was based upon getting a ‘ yes , yes ’ response . He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree . He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses . He kept on asking questions until finally , almost without realising it , his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously .
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking .
too much talking themselves . Let the other people talk themselves out . They know more about their business and problems than you do . So ask them questions . If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt . But don’t . It is dangerous . They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression .
weigh both sides fairly
7. made him feel that he was creating the designs . Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers .
I didn’t have to sell him . He bought . ’
the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually , but so as to interest him in it – so as to get him thinking about it on his own account .
let him continue to feel that the idea was his .
8. see things from the other person’s point of view .
people may be totally wrong . But they don’t think so . Don’t condemn them . Any fool can do that . Try to understand them .
‘ How would I feel , how would I react if I were in his shoes ? ’
‘ Why should he or she want to do it ? ’ True , this will take time , but it will avoid making enemies and will get better results – and with less friction and less shoe leather .
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires .
people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy . Give it to them , and they will love you .
people are honest and want to discharge their obligations . The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few , and I am convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you 10. make them feel that you consider them honest , upright and fair . ’
11. Dramatise your ideas .
12. ‘ The way to get things done , ’ says Schwab , ‘ is to stimulate competition .
the desire to excel . ’
‘ All men have fears , but the brave put down their fears and go forward ,
The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself .
That is what every successful person loves : the game . The chance for self – expression . The chance to prove his or her worth , to excel , to win .
4. BE A LEADER: HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENCE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points .
Once she realised I had confidence in her , she easily followed my suggestions and soon mastered this function .
People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued .
Instead of pushing his people to accelerate their work and rush the order through , he called everybody together , explained the situation to them , and told them how much it would mean to the company and to them if they could make it possible to produce the order on time . Then he started asking questions : ‘ Is there anything we can do to handle this order ? ’ ‘ Can anyone think of different ways to process it through the shop that will make it possible to take the order ? ’ ‘ Is there any way to adjust our hours or personnel assignments that would help ? ’
Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.’
‘ Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit ;
we all crave appreciation and recognition ,
Tell your child , your spouse , or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing , has no gift for it , and is doing it all wrong , and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve .
Be sincere . Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver .
Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest .
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest .